Memories
by Rebellious Lover
Summary: Song fic based off 'Memories' by EarlyRise. After an accident, Allen is left in critical condition, taking everyone by surprise. What will happen to their hero? Now a three-shot thing.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! This is a little one-shot I wrote. It's the first thing I've written in third person, so I'm sorry if it's rough. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

**Memories**

Original song: Memories by EarlyRise

**Funny how in just one moment  
Things can turn upside down**

_How did it end up like this?_ Kanda stared straight ahead, thinking to himself. His left hand was clenched in a tight fist, while his right arm was wrapped around Lenalee's waist. The green haired Chinese girl was currently sobbing into his chest. Her small hands gripped his shirt, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Next to him, Lavi stood with no emotions on his face. Maybe it was due to all the years he had spent as Bookman's apprentice. Or maybe it was just because he didn't know how to take the news yet. Komui looked torn between upset and self-disappointment.

Miranda clung to Marie. She was wailing as well, but she was also blaming herself for this fiasco. Marie held the girl gently, stroking her hair in a form of comfort. Everyone in the room was angered, saddened, and even a bit numb. All of their emotions paled in comparison to one man though.

**Wish I could turn back time  
To when you were still around**

Cross Marian had to lean against the wall. One hand braced himself against it, the other hand covering his face. That stance alone screamed that he couldn't believe it. His face though… The ever drunken, womanizing general had tears flowing from his visible eye. Those tears screamed just how much agony he was in.

His fist pounded against the wall. The solid rock didn't budge, but red blood splattered onto it as Cross continued to hit the rock wall with all his strength. Kanda didn't know for sure, but he was willing to bet that he was madder at himself than at the actual culprits. Kanda knew that's how he felt. Maybe he and Cross were feeling somewhat the same.

As if hearing his thoughts, Cross turned around to look at the Japanese teen. Kanda didn't flinch at the angry look the man gave him. Instead, the teen just held Lenalee a little tighter. Cross's fist hit the wall again. His knuckles were raw and bloody, but he still didn't make a sound. His eyes continued to glare daggers at Kanda.

**And all I've got left is memories  
Of your face smiling at me**

"Why weren't you there, girly boy? Why the hell weren't you there?" Cross yelled in rage. It was so sudden that everyone seemed to flinch. Except Kanda. He had seen it coming. Since both he and Cross felt the same way, he knew Cross would blame him above everyone else.

Slowly, as if not to startle Lenalee even more, Kanda handed her off to Komui. As soon as the girl was no longer in her arms, Kanda found himself flat on the ground. Lavi yelled in surprise, and Komui shouted something about calming down. Kanda didn't care.

All he saw was the memory of a bright smile. Not a fake one that most people in the Order received. He saw the genuine bright smile reserved for so very few people.

Cross's boot connected with Kanda's jaw. He groaned, slightly, but did nothing to stop the assault. He deserved it.

Cross was yelling insults, but Kanda could feel a few drops of salty liquid hit his exposed skin. The coppery scent of blood filled his nose. Cross's large hand yanked him up by his shirt. The general either was ignoring the dampness from Lenalee's tears and snot, or he just didn't notice them. He held Kanda up so his feet dangled above to ground.

Kanda gasped as Cross's fist sunk into his stomach. He coughed, turning his head away. Blood was mixed in with his saliva, but he didn't care. It would just heal soon enough anyway.

Another stab of guilt hit him hard. Yes. He would heal from this beating. In a couple of hours _he_ would be good as new. Cross must have seen the look in his eye because the red haired man threw him into a wall. The blue eyed teen groaned when his head hit the wall, but didn't do anything else.

"What's wrong, girly boy? You can't fight? Maybe if you could none of this would have happened. It's your fucking fault!" The words stirred something in Kanda. It was just the beginning of a flame. The spark that ignited the anger he was trying to suppress came with the next words the general spit out. "You're just as bad as they are."

Kanda lost it. Any sense of control he had was gone. He reached for Mugen, unsheathing his beloved katana immediately. Before the blade could reach its target it was blocked by a large hammer. Both the American general and the Japanese teen glared at the owner of said hammer.

**Used to say that we should all just  
Handle this differently**

"Stop it." Both Kanda and Cross glared at Lavi, but the Bookman apprentice glared back at them with even more fierceness. Cross and Kanda backed down slowly, but neither one would stop glaring at each other. "Kanda, sit down. Cross, get your hand bandaged by Komui."

Cross growled right along with Kanda. Neither one of them were fond of taking orders. "Who the hell gave you permission to tell us what to do, baka usagi?"

Lavi glowered at Kanda. "Shut up, Kanda. Do either of you think this is what Allen would want?"

That shut both men up. It even defused a bit of the anger they were both feeling. Lavi's words held a valid point. This wasn't how they should act. Not when Allen would always be the one to tell them that they needed to handle situations differently. In Kanda's opinion, the bean sprout was just too optimistic. That's why Kanda was drawn to him though.

**Took us all by surprise  
No, we never saw this coming  
Always were, always will be  
Our hero**

Guilt and heartache tugged at Kanda's chest. How could he have been so stupid? Why had he left the moyashi alone? Why hadn't he gone back right away? If he had this wouldn't be happening. Of course, nobody had seen this coming. It was a surprise attack. It still didn't stop Kanda from imagining the way things should have played out.

Instead of the current situation Allen should be standing next to him, smiling up at him like always. Nobody would be crying or yelling accusations. The group would all be heading to the cafeteria, eating Jerry's cooking. Allen would order to much food, but everybody would just laugh or shake their heads.

After dinner, Kanda would head to the training rooms to do some meditating. Allen would interrupt him, begging him to do something stupid. The older boy would complain, but would eventually give in to the white haired boy. They would head off towards the lounge and play poker for a couple hours with a few finders. Everyone would grumble and complain about what a devil Allen was, but in the end they would all laugh.

Finally, at the end of the night, Kanda would head back to his room with the younger teen. The moyashi would change in the bathroom, saying he was too embarrassed to let Kanda watch him. When he came back into the room, he'd crawl onto Kanda's mattress and curl up next to the Japanese man. They would share a few sweet kisses before the younger fell asleep.

Kanda would watch him with a smile on his face. He'd pet the younger's soft hair while thinking about how the boy had managed to do this. After at least five minutes of watching and thinking, Kanda himself would wrap an arm around Allen. Then he would fall asleep next to him, holding him protectively.

**With no warning sign  
One day, they came and  
They took you away**

A hand touched his shoulder and he flinched. His blue eyes flashed to the hand, and then up to Lavi's face. The red head watched his friend with a blank expression. "It's not your fault, Kanda. Nobody could have known this would happen."

"Che." Kanda shrugged the hand off of him. He turned, walking from the room. "I'm going to see him."

**Remember everything that you said**

Kanda walked down the hallway to the infirmary quietly. His mind kept going back to what Allen had been repeating over the past few weeks.

**How we can never fully trust them**

About a month ago two new people had arrived at the order. They were family, the brother coming to be a Finder and the sister was an exorcist. Sheryl and Violet immediately became a part of Allen's group of friends. Violet had taken a liking to Kanda after watching him train.

Allen had kept saying how the new pair shouldn't be trusted, but nobody listened. They all assumed it was his jealousy talking.  
**  
Wish I could say I disagree**

Everybody was still in shock. They all still wanted to deny it so badly.

**But I know they're the ones to blame**

They couldn't deny it when it was right in front of them though. Kanda kept his fist clenched tightly. The few people he passed gave him pitying looks. He didn't want their pity. Thankfully they all stayed out of his way.

He was walking through the infirmary hallways soon enough. The head nurse gave him a look, but didn't say anything. She pointed down the hallway, to the last door. A sign on the door read 'Critical Condition' in bold red letters. Kanda's guilt choked him, making it almost impossible to breathe as he quietly entered the moyashi's room.

Allen laid on the bed, his chest rising and falling shallowly. A sheen of sweat glistened on his head. His face was twisted in pain, his mouth open slightly, but no sounds escaped. Various tubes and wires were connected to him. The one that monitored his heart rate beeped rapidly, but it apparently wasn't concerning the nurses just yet.

Kanda took in all the damage. All the bloody bandages, the scratches, everything. He walked forward slowly, grabbing a washrag from the table next to the bed. He rung it out with the water from the basin, and wiped the sweat away from his moyashi's head.

"I'm sorry, Moyashi." His whispered words were louder than a gunshot in the quiet of the room. "I should have listened to you. They weren't to be trusted after all."

**Destroyed every hope  
We once had**

The longer the Japanese man sat with the younger boy, the more his hope faded. Kanda grabbed Allen's hand, holding it gently in his own. Everyone's hope was fading. Though they all had different reasons.

"Oi, Moyashi," Kanda spoke quietly. "Do you remember when I took you to the clearing? You asked me why I wanted to be your boyfriend."

Allen didn't answer, of course. Kanda hung his head, his eyes shut tightly. "I told you that you were my hope. If anyone could change the heartless bastard I tried to sell myself as, it would be you. You looked up at me with that stupid grin on your face. That was our first kiss, come to think of it." He squeezed Allen's hand a bit tighter. "You fucking bastard. Why didn't you stop me from walking away?"

The sight of a victorious Violet and Sheryl was burned forever into his brain. Once the scream had reached his ears, he had turned around immediately, but it was too late. Violet, the girl he had let tag around him, slowly morphed into the shape shifting Noah. The other Noah moved his hair back, letting everyone see the stigmata. Allen had been on the ground, his eyes wide, but blank at the same time.  
**  
Nothing we can do now that you're gone  
No way to bring you back**

Kanda rested his head on the bed, next to the other boy's black arm. Allen wasn't dead, but almost everyone believed he was gone. Sheryl, before he and Lulubell had disappeared, had said that they weren't there to kill Allen Walker. Instead, they were under orders to 'wake up' the Noah that was inside Allen, the fourteenth.

The heart monitor stopped, reaching a flat line. Kanda's head snapped up quickly. His blue eyes widened in fear. His mouth opened to yell for the head nurse, but then the heart monitor spiked, racing faster than when he came in.

The door to the room opened, five nurses including the sometimes demonic head nurse, rushed in. They were yelling things, but Kanda wasn't paying attention. His eyes were wide as he watched his boyfriend cry out in pain for the first time since he had been here. Allen thrashed on the bed, the pain making tears escape from his closed eyes, wetting his cheeks.

Kanda wanted so badly to wake him up. He wanted to kiss away the tears and shake the white haired boy awake, but he couldn't. There wasn't a way for Kanda to bring him back. Allen was trapped in his own mind, fighting for control of his own body.

**Took us all by surprise  
No, we never saw this coming  
Always were, always will be  
Our hero**

This was an unexpected fight that would decide everything for the Black Order. If Allen won, he'd come back. If he didn't, then they would be dealing with a Noah with Allen's face. Everyone was on edge, not wanting to give up on Allen, but not wanting to deal with yet another surprise.

**With no warning sign  
One day, they came and  
They took you away**

The head nurse pulled Kanda away, pushing him out the door despite his protests and curses. He would've fought, had it not been for the Chinese girl who had magically appeared next to him. Lenalee begged him to calm down. He glared at her, but in the end relaxed slightly.

"What happened?" Lavi, Marie, and Cross questioned when they arrived.

"His heart stopped for a second. Now it's faster than it was when I brought him in."

**Things can be so unfair**  
**You were taken away  
before your time**

Lavi was the one who finally asked the question on everyone's mind. "Do you think he'll make it?"

At first nobody answered him. They all just looked away. They all wanted to believe that Allen would do it. He would beat the Noah in his head. Nobody was fooling themselves though. Allen's chances of waking up as himself were low.

Kanda sat down against the wall, bringing his knees up to his chest. "Che. Fucking Noah using dirty tricks."

**Now we're all sitting here  
Nothing left for us to say**

Nobody said anything. What could they say. Instead, they all just sat in silence, waiting for the head nurse to come get them and share the news. Lenalee was leaning against Kanda's shoulder. Lavi was standing next to Cross with his eyes closed. The General in turn seemed to have calmed down.

Kanda closed his eyes, resting his head on his knees. He prayed to the God that he didn't believe in to save Allen. Memories of last night played out in his head.

_-Flashback-_

"_Kanda! You promised," Allen pouted, sitting on the floor of the training room. His grey eyes watched his boyfriend train. Kanda had been training for the better part of the evening. Not that Allen completely minded. A shirtless and sweaty Kanda Yu was a drop dead sexy Kanda Yu. _

_The Japanese teen had to smirk slightly. He could see the way the younger teen was watching him. A pink flush spread across Allen's cheeks when the pair made eye contact. Kanda couldn't help himself. The other boy just looked to adorable. He stopped training, walking over so he could kneel in front of Allen._

_The blush intensified when Kanda gently tilted Allen's face up. Their eyes met and Kanda smirked. "What's the matter, Moyashi?"_

"_I'm not a beansprout! It's Allen, BaKanda! A-L-L-E-N!"_

_It was that moment that Kanda leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was a soft, gentle kiss. Full of a tenderness most people didn't know Kanda owned. Their lips moved together in a familiar pattern before Kanda pulled away._

"_I know your name, Aren," Kanda whispered. He let his accent come out thick, taking pleasure in the way that the younger teen blushed. He tugged on his shirt as he spoke. "Come on, let's go."_

_Allen took the hand Kanda offered him. The couple left the training rooms, walking quietly down the hallway. They slipped outside, heading to the clearing in the forest that Kanda liked to practice. Kanda laughed as Allen practically glowed with happiness. He kissed the top of his moyashi's head before they headed to the center of the clearing._

_Kanda grabbed the practice sword that Allen had brought to the clearing last night. He handed it to the boy, then stood behind him. He noted the boy's stance and grip on the sword. "Relax your stance. Spread your hands apart a little."_

"_Like this?" Allen asked quietly. _

_Kanda wrapped his hands around Allen's moving them to the right spots. The older man smirked as his chest pressed against the other boy's back. "Are you ready for sword training? I'm a hard teacher."_

"_You'll be nice for me, right?"_

_Kanda kissed his boyfriends neck. "Not a chance, Aren."_

**Don't want to leave you behind**

_They had slipped back inside the order around two in the morning. As they headed hand in hand to the baths, they were stopped._

"_Kanda! Allen!" They both paused at the girly voice. Coming down the hallway towards them was Violet. Behind her, with a sheepish smile, was Sheryl. As they approached Allen's grip tightened._

"_Che. What do you want?" Kanda asked to the smiling girl._

"_Komui wants to see Allen. Something about a mission we're supposed to go on."_

_Kanda looked down at Allen who shook his head. His face was lined with unease. If Kanda looked carefully, he could almost swear there was a hint of fear. He let go of Allen's hand. "You heard her, Moyashi."_

"_Kanda," Allen said quietly. "I don't like this. Come with me, please."_

_Kanda 'che'ed again. "Go by yourself, baka. I'm not your babysitter."_

_Allen frowned at him. "I know that. I'd just feel better if you would go with me. Something feels wrong."_

"_I don't care. I'm going to shower." With that Kanda walked away. Allen hadn't yelled after him, or asked him to come back. It was easy for the Japanese man to ignore the feeling of eyes watching him. It was easy to ignore the voice in his head that said he shouldn't (and didn't want to) leave the other boy._

**Took us all by surprise  
No, we never saw this coming  
Always were, always will be  
Our hero**

Kanda cursed mentally. He should've listened to the boy. He should've gone with him. If he had, none of this would have happened. "It'll be alright, Yu-chan."

"I thought I told you not to call me that, baka usagi."

Lavi chuckled. "Just trying to lighten the mood. Allen wouldn't like us to be this depressed. He'd try to cheer us up."

**With no warning sign  
One day, they came and  
They took you away**

Rushed footsteps headed towards them. It was effective in cutting the conversation short. They all turned to look at the head nurse who had a grim expression on her face. She looked at them all as they held their breaths.

"I take it Kanda Yu will not be the only one returning to Allen Walker's room?"

Cross was the one who spoke up. "He sure as hell will not." The gruff and angry tone didn't faze the older lady. She just nodded, motioning for the group to follow her.

**Took us all by surprise  
No, we never saw this coming**

"Before you all go in," she said leading back to Allen's room. "There is something you need to know about his condition."

"What? Did something happen to him?" Kanda and Cross both said. They looked at each other with mixed emotions. Cross had anger in his eyes, but there were also hints of worry, acceptance, and respect. Kanda looked at him with guilt, acceptance, and worry.

The nurse shook her head, easing some of their tension. Her next words surprised everyone.

**Always were, always will be  
Our hero**

"Allen Walker's heart rate has become regular. He has also calmed down immensely. From the looks of it, his battle is almost over. He should wake up within the hour."

Everyone stared at the lady with disbelief. Was twenty four hours enough to win a battle against the fourteenth? Nobody voiced any of their hopes. It was almost too much to believe in. The possibility was too much to put faith in, but that's what they were doing.

As they walked in, Kanda pushed his way to the front of the group. He sat himself down on Allen's bed, taking the now calm boy's hand.

**With no warning sign  
One day, they came and**

"Moyashi? Can you hear me?" There was no reaction, even as the others came closer, calling out to him. Everyone tried talking to him, begging him to open his eyes. Almost a half hour passed before Kanda decided to up the game.

The room quieted and looked at him in surprise. He stood up to walk closer to the sleeping boy. The Japanese teen bent down slowly, placing a soft kiss on the whitette's lips. When he pulled away, his lips moved to his ears. "Wake up."

Nobody dared to breathe as Kanda pulled away, sitting back down in his original spot. All eyes were glued to Allen. Said boy groaned in pain, as his eyelids fluttered, struggling to open up. Kanda squeezed his boyfriends hand once again. The hand squeezed back as silver eyes finally opened. Lenalee gasped as the newly opened eyes focused. Kanda felt something squeeze his heart painfully.

"Aren?"

**They took you away…**

* * *

**A/N: Was it bad? Decent? Good? Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! So I'm really sorry this sequel has taken me so long to get posted. I've been away at camps all summer and have had sketchy (if any) internet access. Anyway, I'm going to have one more chapter after this one. I'm making it a three-shot thing. I think. I hope this clears up any questions that anyone has/had. I'm sorry if it's not very good.  
**

**Not Strong Enough  
**Original song: Not Strong Enough by Apocolyptica feat. Brent Smith

**I'm not strong enough  
To stay away**

Allen sat at a table, slowly eating his food. Whispers floated through the air in the cafeteria. Not everyone was as quiet as they thought. Every rumor could be heard by the white haired teen. Everything that people were saying could be heard. Some of the things whispered made his hands clench so tightly, his knuckles turned white. Yet the boy did nothing. He just sat there and ate his abnormally large meal quietly.

Allen glanced around. Next to him, the energetic red head ate his food. Lavi's shoulders were slightly tense, but he still managed to smile at his friend. Allen nodded slightly, returning to glancing around. Across the table was Lenalee. The Chinese girl looked sad, but gave Allen a smile. On her was left was Cross Marian.

The sound of heavy footsteps drew Allen's attention away from his table mates. A group of finders was walking towards his table. One man in front, with spiked blonde hair, stopped next to Allen, looking down at him. The finder stared at Allen before cracking a smile.

"So it's true." The man laughed as if he was terribly amused. "I heard the rumors but I can't believe it's true. Why the hell are you still here?"

Allen looked across the table at a certain Japanese man that was on Lenalee's right. Said man ignored everyone, eating his soba like he couldn't care less about what was going on. The tension of his posture gave away his feeling though.

Allen looked back at the finder. "I couldn't leave."

**Can't run from you  
I just run back to you**

"What do you mean you couldn't leave? Your eyes say everything! They should've killed you the moment you woke up, you half Noah bastard." The finder's voice carried through the entire cafeteria, silencing everyone. It was as if the entire room was holding its breath.

_With good reason too, _Allen thought. It had barely crossed his mind when the finder found himself flat on the ground. Above him stood an angry swordsman with a pissed off expression. Allen blinked his heterochromatic eyes. His right eye was silver, while his cursed left eye was now a piercing gold color that could only belong to a Noah. Both eyes were watching the following scene with interest.

"Shut up. Get the fuck out of his face or I'll slice you in half with Mugen. Understood?"

The finder nodded, casting one last look at Allen, before rushing out of the room. The finders that had come with him backed away. Fear radiated off them when Kanda's glare turned them. Kanda ignored everyone at his table as he sat back down.

Allen continued to stare at him as he thought. _I just keep coming back for some reason._

**Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame**

It had been roughly two weeks since Allen had woken up in the infirmary. At first everyone assumed it was okay and that he had won his battle between the fourteenth. That was only half true though. Allen had won half the battle of control. He controlled his body, his thoughts, and his actions. The fourteenth had control of his memories though.

When the white haired teen had woken up to strangers surrounding him, he screamed. The more people tried to comfort him, the more he fought back. The only person he recognized was Cross, who had sat next to him quickly.

Over the course of the last two weeks, he had to relearn his relationships with the others. Cross was his 'master' even though the man was acting more like a father at this point. Lavi was his best guy friend, and Lenalee was his best girl friend.

Nobody would tell him his relationship with the homicidal swordsman though. Kanda tended to just sit there with an emotionless face. When he bothered to talk to the younger teen, he only insulted him. If anyone else tried to hurt Allen though, be it physically, emotionally or mentally, Kanda always stopped them.

Allen couldn't help but feel like he was missing something. He just didn't know what.

**Say my name**

"Oi, moyashi," Kanda said angrily. Allen blinked again, making eye contact.

"That's not my name."

Kanda rolled his eyes, but his body seemed to tense more. "Allen."

**But it's not the same**

Allen smiled a little bit. He was happy that his name had been spoken, but something was different. He couldn't remember Kanda, but there was something that seemed wrong. He couldn't say exactly, but it was something about the way the name rolled off the other man's lips.

**You look in my eyes  
I'm stripped of my pride  
And my soul surrenders**

Blue eyes met silver and gold. The two males stared at each other and Allen felt something change. Somehow he felt weak, maybe vulnerable as the cold blue eyes stared at him. Those eyes of Kanda's were hard, but they had an intensity to them that made Allen curious.

"What is it, Kanda?"

"Are you okay?" Allen was ready to fake a smile, but Kanda glared at him. Allen found himself surrendering, placing his mask to the side in order to answer truthfully.

"I'm tired of people like them," he said. "Are you worried?"

**And you bring my heart  
To its knees**

"Che. Of course not, baka moyashi. It would be a hassle if an idiot like you let the fourteenth take control." Kanda turned away, either not seeing or choosing to ignore the hurt that crossed the younger man's face. "I'm going to train."

**And it's killing me  
When you're away  
I wanna leave  
And I wanna stay**

The table occupants watched as Kanda stalked away, glaring at anyone who crossed his path. Allen replayed the words in his head. He felt hurt, but didn't know why. There was no reason why he should feel upset over what Kanda had said to him.

There was no reason to feel like he was slowly dying as Kanda walked further away.

Lavi placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, patting it gently. "Don't worry about Yu. He's always like that."

Allen just nodded and started eating his food again. Lavi and Lenalee were holding up a conversation. Sometimes Cross would join in, but mostly he sat drinking his wine. Allen nodded at times, not completely comfortable with this group just yet. Plus, he was only half listening. His thoughts were on how he wanted Kanda to come back.

**I'm so confused**

"I don't understand." The table quieted, turning to look at the youngest one there. Lavi looked at him with his emerald green eye. Lenalee was playing nervously with her hair. Cross sighed. He stood up, walking to the other side of the table and kneeling in front of his apprentice.

"What don't you understand, idiot apprentice?"

The white haired teen looked towards the place Kanda had been sitting, before closing his eyes. "Why does it hurt when he's gone? Why does he hate me?" When he opened them again, tears were starting to fill his eyes. "Why did _I_ wake up?"

**So hard to choose  
Between the pleasure  
And the pain**

Allen's head hurt as he thought about the question. Everything after Cross had taken him in was locked behind doors the fourteenth had built. As far as he knew, he should have lost the battle everyone told him about. The fourteenth should've been the one who won.

That thought hurt and thinking about the fourteenth winning was painful. Thinking about leaving and not having to deal with this anymore was nice though.

**And I know it's wrong  
And I know it's right**

On one hand, he knew he couldn't give up. It would be wrong. So much was apparently riding on the line. First there was the war with the Earl. According to his friends and Cross, Allen was 'The Destroyer of Time' who would apparently end the war. That's a handful already, considering the Vatican isn't exactly sympathetic to his situation.

Second, there was his promise to Mana. Allen remembered him, thankfully. He also knew he had promised to keep walking. Giving up and letting the fourteenth take control would be breaking that promise. So he had to fight.

There were also his friends to think about. They were going through a lot just by helping him. Allen knew it made them upset to think about his 'accident' as they all referred to it. He wasn't blind to the looks of sorrow that passed over their faces every now and then.

Finally, there was something he couldn't name exactly. Maybe it was a feeling. Something that was being kept from him, but the memory hadn't completely disappeared. Everyone seemed to know this secret memory of his as well. It was like a whisper he couldn't exactly hear. Like a phantom touch he couldn't exactly recall. It was there, but he just didn't know what it was.

He didn't know why it felt so undeniably right.

**Even if I try to win the fight  
My heart will overrule my mind**

Allen didn't remember much from his battle with the fourteenth. There were flashes, random recollection of events that made him break out in a cold sweat. He vaguely remembered seeing a laughing face. The face didn't seem to be taunting him. It was more disbelieving. Like Allen had done something unexpected.

He wasn't sure, but Allen had a feeling that he had lost more than he had won. The time he spent trapped in his own head was full of decisions. Something told him that hadn't always thought the important things through. Because while his mind didn't know anything, his heart continued to tell him that he needed to remember.

_Why do I feel like things are only going to get more complicated?_ Allen thought as he turned his attention back to Cross who seemed to be waiting for a response. The white haired teen forced a smile, nodding, which seemed to relieve everyone. _Why does it hurt to force a smile?_

**And I'm not strong enough  
To stay away**

_Why can't I get away?_

**I'm not strong enough  
To stay away**

It had been two months since the Finder had talked to Allen in the cafeteria. His memories had yet to come back. This worried Cross more than anyone else, but Komui was always quick to reassure the womanizing general that it was okay. Despite his missing memories, Allen was quickly getting used to his surroundings and friends again.

He'd gone on short missions that took a day or two at most with Lenalee, and Lavi. Last week he had been sent on a longer mission. With Kanda of all people.

Allen bit his lip in a habit he didn't remember when he started. He walked down the hallway as he thought back on the mission. They had met two Noah while they were there. Tyki Mikk and Road Kamelot. They had seemed very curious to see silver and gold eyes. Both had managed to kidnap him for a couple of hours. Until Allen had blacked out that is.

He didn't know what happened. One minute he was lying on a bed staring at a wall, and the next moment he was clinging to Kanda. The Japanese man hadn't said anything about it, but he hadn't let Allen go. Neither boy was completely sure what happened, but Allen could only come up with one answer.

**What can I do?**

"Moyashi," Kanda called. Allen turned around, multi-colored eyes wide.

"Yes?"

Kanda stopped in front of the boy. His arms were crossed over as the two stared at each other. "We need to talk."

"About?"

"What happened on the mission, baka."

**I would die without you**

Allen blinked. Then he blinked again. Then a genuine smile crossed his face and he laughed. He laughed loudly, drawing attention to him. Kanda just stood there, shocked. When Allen finally calmed down he had to wipe away tears from his eyes.

"Kanda," Allen said. "Isn't it obvious what happened on the mission? I can't stay away from you for some reason. If you hadn't been there, I probably would be dead."

**In your presence  
My heart knows no shame  
I'm not to blame  
'Cause you bring my heart  
To its knees**

For a reason Allen didn't understand, Kanda had to look away. He let out a soft 'che' before turning and walking away from the boy. Whisper's floated in the air, drifting towards Allen. Someone whispered about the mission. Someone whispered about how they almost felt bad for Kanda. A few people whispered about what a pity Allen's memory loss and 'accident' were.

The cursed teen didn't say anything. He watched Kanda's back grow smaller. Eventually he turned around, heading in the opposite direction of Kanda. He wanted to sort out the growing thoughts that were beginning to give him a headache.

**And it's killing me  
When you're away  
I wanna leave  
And I wanna stay**

Wind slapped his cheeks as he made his way outside. It wasn't gentle, but it was far from painful. The sun disappeared every few minutes, obscured by either a cloud or the trees. The forest animals were talkative as the boy walked confidently down an unmarked path.

His chest ached as he sat down in a clearing. He kept seeing Kanda walking away. The feeling was common, seeing as it occurred every time the homicidal man left. It never stopped killing Allen to watch him go.

Allen sighed, but let the relative quiet of the forest surround him. It was peaceful as he sat there and let his mind wander. He skirted around thoughts of Kanda, straight to thoughts of the Order. People wanted him gone. It didn't surprise him in the slightest, but it did hurt for some reason.

Sitting here, it seemed like it would be so easy to leave. All he had to do was walk away and keep walking.

**So confused  
So hard to choose  
Between the pleasure  
And the pain**

The cursed teen sighed, burying his face in his hands. Leaving would be nice. He would escape all the whispers, the rumors, the mocking voices. Everyone who bullied him for hosting the fourteenth would be gone.

It hurt to stay in the Order sometimes. Nobody seemed to understand what he was going through. It wasn't like he had asked to be a freak. He didn't want to have Neah, the fourteenth Noah, stuck in his head. Sometimes things happen that he couldn't control.

It wasn't all bad though. Sometimes things were good. Like when Lavi and Lenalee would hang out with him or when Cross tried to beat him at poker. There were even a few times with Kanda that brought a smile to Allen's face.

**And I know it's wrong  
And I know it's right  
Even if I try to win the fight  
My heart will overrule my mind**

"Allen!" The boy looked up, spying the group making their way toward him. Lavi was leading the group, Lenalee chasing behind him happily. Cross was smoking, trying to pretend he didn't care. Last in the group was Kanda.

Allen smiled at them, putting his decisions to the side. For now, he'd just follow what his heart wanted. "Hello."

"What are you doing out here?" Lenalee asked, sitting across from him. "You're not planning on running away, are you?" Her concern was evident. It was also mirrored in everyone except Kanda's eyes. The blue eyed swordsman looked emotionless as usual.

**And I'm not strong enough  
To stay away  
There's nothing I can do  
My heart is chained to you**

Allen shook his head. "I felt a pull to this place when I got back from my last mission. I just couldn't stay away." Everyone was silent as they watched the youngest male. "It feels like I'm connected to it."

Lavi chuckled a little bit. "Of course it does. Isn't this where Yu-chan and you-"

The hammer wielding exorcist was cut off by a blade at his throat. "Finish that sentence and I'll murder you, baka usagi." Lavi surrendered, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. Kanda slowly sheathed Mugen.

Allen looked back and forth between the two in confusion. Why was Kanda so tense? What had Lavi been trying to say? This place was important to both him and Kanda? Why?

He turned to look at Lenalee, but the girl was avoiding making eye contact. She also had a guilty expression. So did Cross, now that he thought about it.

"Why do you all do that?"

They all looked towards the youngest boy who now had his cheek resting against his knee. His eyes were shut, but his expression clearly said he was annoyed.

The group looked at each other before Cross spoke. "What do you mean, idiot apprentice?"

Allen's eyes opened. "Why do you guys keep secrets? Why the hell won't you tell me why I feel like I'm somehow chained to the Order?"

**And I can't get free**

Allen felt like he was suffocating. Something was trying to push its way to the front of his mind, but he didn't know what. All the phantom feelings he'd been having surrounded him at once. Something wouldn't let him go.

**Look what this love's done to me**

Everyone remained silent. He glared at them, waiting for an answer. Surprisingly, it was Kanda who spoke. He knelt down in front of the boy, wearing a carefully guarded expression. "Do you remember anything before the accident or during your mental battle with Neah?"

Allen was quiet. His eyebrows scrunched together as he forced himself to try and bring up memories. Everyone watched him in silence.

"Don't push yourself," Lenalee said, ever the concerned best friend.

Allen closed his eyes. "There was a girl… And a brown haired man. They needed me for something… but I didn't want to go? Someone was with me, but I let them walk away… Why did I do that?"

Everyone was silent, all eyes on Kanda and Allen. Kanda had tightness in his eyes and the way his mouth was set. "Do you remember anything from your battle?"

"Neah looked surprised. I did something unexpected, something that changed the game. I wanted…" He stopped, pain filling his head as he tried to force himself to tear down some of the walls. What had he wanted? "I wanted… to see someone. I didn't want… that person to cry… I didn't want them to have to hurt me…"

An even sharper pain than normal ran through his head, making Allen hold his head tightly and whimper. He barely heard his friends saying his name and asking him what's wrong. Everything was fuzzy, coming in and out of focus. Black spots darted across his vision, and he felt himself falling forward as everything went black.

**And it's killing me  
When you're away  
I wanna leave  
And I wanna stay**

When Allen's eyes opened, everything was in black and white. Sitting in a chair across from him was a man who seemed familiar. The man smiled at Allen warmly. "Welcome back, Allen."

"Neah?"

The man smiled more. "So you do remember me. Good. I was worried you had forgotten what my face looked like." They sat in silence for a few minutes. Allen was starting to feel uncomfortable by the way he was being studied by the still smiling Noah.

"Um, why am I here?"

Neah stood up, beckoning Allen to stand as well. "I have a proposition for you, my dear nephew. Will you hear me out? It could greatly benefit you."

Allen nodded cautiously, thinking there was no harm in listening to what Neah wanted. He followed the man through the black and white world. It seemed oddly familiar to him. It looked like a little town. The pair walked until they came to the large tower that was built in the middle of the city. Outside the door leading inside, Neah stopped, turning to his adopted nephew.

Allen looked at him cautiously. The unsettling smile was still on Neah's face. "This tower is where I've kept all your memories. On the bottom floor is the memory of your time here. Of course I managed to carefully block any names that came up in our conversation."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You want your memories, I want more freedom. I figure we can make a deal, Allen." Neah reached into his pants pocket, pulling out a gold key.

Allen stared at the key with fascination. His memories, minus the names, could all be returned to him. He could finally know why he came back. He could finally understand what had been so important to him. Everything was right behind the door. All he had to do was take the key.

Something about Neah's request bothered him, though. What did the Noah mean by 'more freedom?' Logically speaking, he should turn down the request and wake up. The temptation of his memories kept him in this dreamland though.

**So confused  
So hard to choose**

"What do you mean when you say more freedom?" The white haired boy's voice was cautious.

Neah waved his empty hand in the air. "Simply that, my dear nephew. It gets rather lonely in this place. I just want the ability to be able to chat with you. So I don't feel so lonely. You understand, don't you?" Allen did understand. He knew what it was like to be lonely and want someone to talk to.

The Noah leaned against the door, tossing the key in the air and letting it fall back into his palm. He kept up the motion, allowing the boy to think.

Allen didn't see the harm in allowing Neah to talk to him. It's not like he was asking for control. Plus Allen would get an important memory back. On the other hand, if anybody found out that he allowed Neah to do this, he could very well actually be the traitor that people whispered he was.

Minutes passed before Allen finally took a deep breath. The Noah looked at him with curiosity. "If I'm going to allow you more freedom, I want more than one memory." The Noah thought about it, a serious expression crossing his face.

He looked back at Allen with a wicked grin. "That's fine. I'll return them to you slowly, not all at once. It may take some time. After all, giving them all back would be going against our agreement."

Something about the way the Noah smiled and spoke the words made Allen uneasy. He just shook it off though and stuck out his hand. "Deal."

Neah shook his hand then gave him the key. "Go on then, dear nephew." The white haired boy didn't waste a second, unlocking the door and pushing his way into the building.

**Between the pleasure  
And the pain**

_-Flashback-_

"_Well now you have two choices, nephew. By all means, go back to them. Go back to your love. Do you think they'll still love you after what you've done?" Neah laughed terribly amused. "How will your friends react, knowing that you gave in?"_

_Allen remained silent. He knew he couldn't argue, because it was true. He just stood there, hands balled tightly into fists, as he was mocked. "Or you could stay here, let me take over. Which do you think will cause more pain?"_

_The boy didn't want to think about it. There was no happy outcome to this. He would either go back, living with the guilt and pain of knowing what he'd have to do, or Neah would go back and that person would have to kill him. A bitter smile twisted his lips. Of course that person would be the one to kill him. They were much too stubborn for their own good._

_Neah sat at the table, the cards lying on the ground in front of him. Allen looked at his crappy hand. Everything was over. These were the only choices he had left._

_Or was it? Allen studied his hand closer. Even though the cards were crap numbers, they were all in diamonds. Meaning he had a flush, which just beat Neah's straight. Now it was Allen's turn to smirk, as he laid down the cards._

_His uncle's face was priceless. This was a game changer, at least in the slightest way. It meant hope wasn't completely lost._

_The pair stared at each other for a few tense moments before Neah's laughter echoed around. "Well done, Allen. But this doesn't change much."_

"_Yes it does," Allen said with confidence. "It may not stop you from being in my mind, but you can't have complete control. It also means your first option no longer applies."The thought alone made Allen want to collapse in relief._

_Neah hummed, thinking this over. He didn't look annoyed, more amused. The atmosphere didn't feel nearly as tense as Allen had hoped for. Instead, the Noah across from him was just silently staring at the cards. _

_His golden eyes turned back to Allen. "My dear nephew," he purred in almost a creepy voice. "That's not entirely accurate. The first wish cannot be completely fulfilled, but it can still be partially done."_

_Allen paled, knowing that the other man was right. "That wasn't part of our deal, Neah."_

"_No, I suppose it wasn't," the man mused. "In that case, what do you wish to do?"_

**And I know it's wrong  
And I know it's right  
Even if I try to win the fight**

_The area around them was almost silent. The only sound was Allen's slight hiccupping, as he tried to calm himself down enough to return to the Order. Half of him didn't want to return. After all, he had basically just made a deal with the devil._

_Neah's face had held pure amusement and disbelief. Allen had just wanted to go back and make that one person smile. He hadn't wanted this. He had wanted to win this 'fight' he was forced to participate in. Instead, that didn't work. Instead, he had been impulsive and jumped on the first thing he came up with. He could already hear that person calling him an idiot and telling him how stupid he was._

_Allen smiled bitterly. "It's okay, though. Because now you don't have to kill me. Now everyone is safe."_

**My heart will overrule my mind**

"There you have it, Allen," That silky voice purred. "You let your biggest weakness get the best of you." Allen didn't reply as he slipped out of consciousness yet again.

When the teen woke up, he was in a familiar white room. His cheeks felt damp. For a second he was confused, but then reality hit him. He shot out of bed, tears falling from his eyes.

It was his fault. Everything was his fault. He hadn't thought it through. In the very moment of truth, the moment that decided everything, he hadn't thought. He had jumped at the only thing his heart had wanted.

Allen wiped his eyes, trying to get the tears to stop. The worst part of knowing he brought this on himself was that he didn't even know the real reason behind what his heart wanted. Neah and him had talked about 'that person' but he didn't know who that was.

He did know that his heart had chosen whoever that person was over what he should have done.

**And I'm not strong enough  
To stay away**

A hand touched his cheek softly. He looked up, blinking in surprise at the owner of mentioned hand. "Kanda?"

The Japanese teen didn't say anything, but his shoulders relaxed slightly. He removed his hand, sitting back down in a chair next to the bed. Neither of them said anything, they just stared at each other. The tension made Allen squirm slightly. He didn't like silence.

After another full minute of silence, Kanda spoke. "What happened, moyashi?"

"Neah wanted to talk. He gave me part of my memories back." Kanda's eyes widened. Before Kanda could say anything though, the door to the room opened. Lavi flew in first, followed by a nurse and then Lenalee and Cross. They smiled at Allen. Obviously they were relieved, which made Allen's stomach twist with guilt.

The nurse checked on Allen, making sure he was fine. Once she gave the okay, he was free to go. The group was relieved to hear this. They dragged Allen towards the cafeteria. It was well past midnight by this time, so very few people were in the cafeteria.

Everyone sat down at a table in the back. Allen sat quietly. The youngest boy couldn't bring himself to look at anyone next to him.

"Moyashi."

Allen flinched at Kanda's voice. He wasn't angry. In fact, the older teen almost sounded concerned. The cursed teen peeked up from under his eyelashes. "Yes, Kanda?"

"Tell them what happened."

**Not strong enough  
(Strong enough)**

Allen hesitated before repeating what he had told the swordsman. Everyone stared at him. Lavi and Lenalee had wide eyes, but Kanda and Cross had narrowed eyes. It was obvious that the gears were spinning in their heads. Allen looked back at the table, his hands clenched tightly.

"How did Neah call you back? He shouldn't be able to do that, right? What do you remember?" Lenalee asked gently. She reached a hand out to pat Allen's hands.

Everyone waited in silence. Allen felt the guilt gnaw at him. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes and he shut them tightly. His shoulders shook slightly.

_Go ahead and tell them, nephew._ Neah's voice was silky as he taunted his foster nephew. _Why not tell them the truth. How you gave me the freedom to do as I please, as long as it was in your mind? Why don't you tell how you gave me the power to talk to you in exchange for a few memories that don't even come with names?_

Someone placed a hand on his head. It felt familiar, like it had happened before, but Allen didn't look up to see who did it. Tears leaked down his cheeks, hitting the table below him. The hand moved away.

"I wasn't strong enough."

**Not strong enough  
(Strong enough)  
To stay away**

"What do you mean, moyashi?" Kanda asked.

Allen looked up slowly, making eye contact with each of them. "I wasn't able to beat him. During the battle, I lost twice. I finally won on the last challenge." Everyone looked confused, causing the white haired boy to sigh. "We had three challenges. Each challenge was different. The winner got one wish for each challenge won. His wishes were that everyone would know he was here. He wanted my life to be difficult just in case I ended up winning the other two challenges.

"His second wish was that he had control over my mind. He wanted to be able to alter memories, put ideas in my head, and pull me inside to talk to me whenever he wanted."

A fist hit the table, causing Allen to flinch. "So the bastard has control over your mind?"

Allen shook his head. "No. I won the third challenge, remember? I got to make my own wish." They all looked at Allen. Everyone except Kanda had an uneasy expression. The way that Allen had stated the fact unsettled them. "I didn't want that person to kill me."

The group shared a look that did not go unnoticed by Allen. Lenalee was the one who spoke up for them though. "What do you mean?"

Allen sighed in frustration. "If I knew I wouldn't have said 'that person,' Lenalee. All that I know is that I screwed up. I screwed up because I put someone before what I knew I should have done." With that said, Allen dived into his explanation. He told them how he had won the last challenge by pure luck. He told them how he had rushed his wish, grabbed onto the first idea that popped into his head.

The group watched him with growing horror. Nobody spoke up during his entire explanation. They didn't acknowledge the fact that Allen had a bitter look in his mismatching eyes. They didn't stop him as his hands clenched into fists so tightly that blood dripped onto the table from where his nails dug into his skin.

All they did was listen until Allen finally told them how it had all ended.

**Not strong enough  
(Strong enough)**

Silence had settled over the table. Lenalee had been the first to leave. Her eyes shone with tears, but at the same time she had understood what Allen had said. She apologized, saying she needed time to think, before rushing away.

Lavi had followed after almost immediately. He threw a quick glance at Allen, but shook his head, not saying anything. Cross had left next, muttering 'idiot apprentince' under his breath. It hadn't stopped him from patting Allen's head softly.

That left Kanda, who was still sitting across from Allen. His shoulders were tense as he glared at the table below him. Allen couldn't stop a small smile from appearing. Kanda looked ready to murder him, which he probably deserved.

_Especially since you didn't tell them our latest bargain,_ Neah chimed in.

Allen frowned. _Shut up, Neah._ The noah didn't reply. Allen sighed in relief as he felt the noah's presence fade. Kanda looked up. Their gazes met. Blue eyes looked into silver and gold. They were searching for something that couldn't be spoken out loud.

"Moyashi," Kanda started. "Answer something for me." It wasn't a request, which should have annoyed the younger teen sitting across the table. Instead, Allen felt a small smile tug at the corner of his lips, but ignored it.

"Sure."

"This person that you were talking about," Kanda's voice faltered for a second. Allen watched him curiously. Kanda shook his head, continuing. "Why is this person so important? Why did you think about them above everything else?"

The white haired teen almost smiled again. "I don't know who that person is, but they mean everything to me. They mean almost as much to me as Mana means to me."

Kanda nodded, some emotion playing in his blue eyes. "What will you do if you never remember this person? What if they're pushing you away?"

This time Allen did smile. His eyes were bright and Kanda was taken aback by his words. Allen felt Kanda's gaze on his back as the younger teen stood up and walked away. His words hung in the air, making him feel just a slight bit more confident. He didn't know what was going to happen next, but whatever did happen, he would find that person again.

**And I'm not strong enough  
To stay away**

"Even if they're trying to push me away, it won't work Kanda. I'm not strong enough to stay away from them."

* * *

**A/N: Was it bad? Okay? Please review! Also, the next part is almost done. Hopefully it'll be up by next week. :)  
**


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